a long hiatus…

…aw man, someone made a joke about hiatuses the other day, and now I can’t remember what it was.

Anyway, my blog title has been appropriate enough for these past two months. It would seem that I really have had a severe case of writer’s block. In some ways I have…my journal is a lot thinner than it used to be. My life has been a blur, and I don’t feel like the same person anymore. When I can gather my thoughts in a somewhat coherent fashion I’ll try to tell you about it.

(…and do music tastes come in cycles? Because I was listening to Family Force 5 this time last year, and here I am listening to them again. For some reason their music is great to design by. My only fear is that I’m going to suddenly break into dance moves at 2 pm in the office.)

the waiting game.

On my way over here (makes it sound like I drove to my blog or something), I didn’t realize that I talked about impatience in my last entry (if you can call one paragraph “talking about impatience”). Impatience is on my mind again. I must be the most impatient person there is. I’ve realized lately that it is nearly impossible for me to enjoy the moment or “seize the day” because I am constantly looking forward, wondering what I will do in the future, where I will go, who I will be with.

Not long ago I was at the beach with a friend. We watched the sun fall below the horizon and wash the sky with plum and gold while we dug our feet into the sand. A breeze carried murmurs of conversations (and a Taylor Swift song from a few spots down…the only thing that marred this experience) and the sound of waves finishing their laps at the shore. I felt compelled to immerse myself in the moment and take in all the details, breathe the air in until it hurt, remember everything. It would only be fifteen minutes until the sky grew dark. Fifteen minutes.

Instead of taking everything in, I noticed strangers I was jealous of. I thought about how I don’t live close to the beach and how I wish I did. I worried about my future. I wondered if I would ever get a stable job. Then I chastised myself for how I would eventually look back on this moment and wish I hadn’t worried about these things.

That’s how it goes. I keep looking forward, but when I get forward, I look back. I’m not satisfied with what I have. I don’t know how to enjoy a moment. I don’t know how to be thankful just for today, and the fact that I have today, that I’m breathing and walking and functioning normally (I guess “normally” depends on how you look at it, but for the most part, yeah — normally). I act like I have years and years ahead of me when I have no idea how many years I have, or if I even have that long. I could be gone in two months. I could be gone tomorrow. What then? I die wishing I had more, that I were somewhere else?

Every time I leave home I am reminded of how much I take for granted. My family, the familiarity of my surroundings, the people I associate with, my friends, my routine. I don’t want to take these things for granted anymore. I don’t want to take anything for granted anymore. I want to live fully in the here and now and trust God for today.

The same friend who accompanied me to the beach said something the other day that struck me. “Stop worrying TODAY.” Not tomorrow; not a week from now; not when I feel ready. TODAY.

Earlier this afternoon I flipped over to Psalm 25 since, well, today’s the 25th and I like reading Psalms and Proverbs that correspond to the day. I can’t tell you how much this passage encouraged me.

³Indeed, none of those who wait for You will be ashamed;
Those who deal treacherously without cause will be ashamed.

⁴Make me know Your ways, O LORD;
Teach me Your paths.

⁵Lead me in Your truth and teach me,
For You are the God of my salvation;
For You I wait all the day.

Later in 25 comes the part that I’ve been memorizing, that, oddly enough, I had totally forgotten was in Psalm 25 — it’s so cool how God works these things.

¹⁷The troubles of my heart are enlarged;
Bring me out of my distresses.

¹⁸Look upon my affliction and my trouble,
And forgive all my sins.

¹⁹Look upon my enemies, for they are many,
And they hate me with violent hatred.

²⁰Guard my soul and deliver me;
Do not let me be ashamed, for I take refuge in You.

²¹Let integrity and uprightness preserve me,
For I wait for You.

Lord, teach me to be patient.

I’ve been to the dentist…

“You’re a good patient,” he said, pulling the cotton pad out of my gums and unhooking the weird spit-sucking tool from the corner of my mouth.

“I’m an impatient,” I replied. Then I corrected the grammar in my head. 

I don’t really like this song because of the subject, but I like Owl City, so here you go. 

Dental Care - Owl City

I freak myself out

Lately I’ve been having this recurring dream where I go back to the country club to waitress again. It’s so realistic, it freaks me out. In one “episode” my dream-self was at work contemplating what status I would post on Facebook when I got home (yes, I am aware of how utterly sad that is). It was going to be something like “Rye can’t believe she is back at the country club again,” because I couldn’t believe it. I mean seriously: I go to school so I can leave the country club, and then I come BACK to the country club? No way.

I woke up thinking it was real and that I had actually started waiting tables again, but then realized that two or three of my coworkers in the dream had been fired several months ago so it couldn’t have taken place.

But it keeps coming back!

At least I’m making money in my dreams, I guess…

No.

CareerBuilder “job match” email:

Email: Can you sell?!

Me: No.

*hits delete without reading rest of email*

Since when did showing interest in graphic design jobs turn into a steady stream of employment offers from companies wanting to hire salespeople? I tried to think about what I could possibly sell someone, and the only thing I came up with was Firefox, which isn’t sold anyway, so that makes me an…I don’t know what. An activist?

It might be kind of fun to set up a roadside booth and pitch a browser, though. Kind of like the boiled peanut guy. (Boiled peanuts are disgusting, however, and you should not try to sell them in Florida in the dead of July. Just so you know.)

Don’t throw it out!

For the past year, I have been trying to learn how to play guitar. Emphasis on TRYING. I haven’t gotten very far. My callouses have formed, gone away, and come back. I learned three chords, forgot them, and then learned them again (along with a few others). Most of the time my guitar collects dust that falls from my bulletin board, and that’s about it.

However, lately, I have resolved to try and play more, since I got a teach-yourself DVD three months ago. I’ve been stuck on lesson one ever since. I might as well admit it: I’m really that bad. THREE MONTHS! Okay, admittedly, I haven’t played an hour every day like I should have, but the fact that I’ve been stuck on the same lesson for a quarter of a year has me wondering if I should even be trying to learn this instrument.

Today, I got my confirmation that yes, I should be trying to learn.



See that sticker on the bottom there? It is an image of a trash can with an “X” over it. It means DO NOT THROW THIS GUITAR AWAY. No matter how bad you are, you CANNOT get rid of it. You are stuck now. You must play. You cannot give up.

So obviously, throwing my guitar out is not an option. I have no choice but to go forward and try to switch chords faster. I feel like weeping when I read ahead in the DVD’s companion book (maybe I shouldn’t be reading ahead), but since that sticker is on the back of my guitar, I know I can’t quit, and I might as well find out what I’m getting myself into.

Press play, hit stop

I’m supposed to be working, but…I found an Owl City music video and now I’m not getting anything done.



(check out the stop motion at 1:15)